This Day Without You

I am your parent you are my child

 I am your quiet place, you are my wild

I am your calm face, you are my giggle

I am your wait, you are my wiggle

I am your audience, you are my clown

I am your London Bridge, you are my falling down

I am your Carrot Sticks, you are my licorice

I am your dandelion, you are my first wish

I am your water wings, you are my deep

I am your open arms, you are my running leap

I am your way home, you are my new path

I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath

I am your dinner, you are my chocolate cake

I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake

I am your finish line, you are my race

I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace

I am your favorite book, you are my new lines

I am your nightlight, you are my sunshine

I am your lullaby, you are my peek-a-boo

I am your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you.

-- "you are my wild" by maryann cusimano

Dear Stephen and Cohen, if it weren't for you, tomorrow wouldn't have a whole lot of meaning for me. My first mother's day I had one baby and was only just over a year married, and by my second mother's day, I had two babies. 

Now I'm on my fourth Mother's Day, and the best way to sum it up is that I don't even have pictures of myself on that day from the past two years. The second year, I had just had a baby and didn't want anybody to take a picture of me. The third year, who knows? 

If you are old and looking at these pictures, then you will probably see that I don't look very pretty or dressed up or fancy in most (any?) of them. Most of them were taken on a day when we were just at home together, playing, and one of you stayed in my lap long enough for me to try to take a picture. I wouldn't normally want to show anybody these pictures. But I want YOU to see them, because I want you to know that I am always here, even on the ordinary days.

Lately you both think it's funny when I tell you that I love you, and you say, "No!" or "I don't love you!" I hope you never forget what I always say after you say that, even though most of the time you're just being silly. Well, even if you don't love me, I will always love you.

'Cause that's true. And that's the one true thing you can always count on, my sweet boys. Even when I look like I'm about to lose my hair, and even sometimes if I start crying in the middle of the day and you don't know why, and even when we're away from each other and I can't take care of you. I will always, always love you, more than you could ever know. I couldn't celebrate this day without you, because you made me a mother, but you are still teaching me how to be a mother. 

I wouldn't want to walk through tomorrow without either of you, no matter how tired I sometimes feel. You make me laugh long after you have gone to bed, and your hugs are the best remedy for a sad day. I love you, Stephen. I love you, Cohen.

Love, Mama

The Mama Shred: Days 1-3

I didn't get a chance to mention this in all the craziness of the past few weeks, but this past Monday I began a 30-day Mama Shred hosted by Jessi of Naptime Diaries and led by Bobbi McCormick of NHerShoes.

Every week, Bobbi is giving us workouts and a meal plan. We are eating clean - no processed foods, no sugar, and very few grains other than oats, brown rice, and certain kinds of bread. 

I wanted to do this because I feel like my weight has kind of plateaued, and I've lost my motivation to continue to lose weight. Christian has lost so much weight (80 pounds!) and I've lost some, but I want to lose more and actually be and feel healthy. I felt like this Mama Shred was just what I needed.

I can't believe I'm sharing this photo on my blog, but here it is. I will not be sharing the side picture or the back picture. The stripes on my shirt do a pretty good job of hiding my baby bulge that is still there, two years after my last child was born.

I just wanted to write about this to encourage anyone else who might be thinking about doing something similar. I'm in a Facebook group with 10 other ladies who are all doing the same thing under Bobbi's guidance. The accountability has been great, as all of us have various goals that we are trying to meet. 

My goals for the shred are:

1. Lose 7-10 pounds (this would get me back to what in the past was my lowest weight ever)

2. Run 3 miles at 10-minute pace

3. Learn how to eat away from home in a healthy way

I did get a minor setback when, on Sunday, the day before we began the shred, I started feeling pretty bad. Monday morning I felt better, but by the afternoon I was feeling horrible, and yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon and found out that I have strep throat. I'm feeling much better today now that I have some antibiotics, but I'm not in any position to exercise, so I've had to just focus on clean eating these first three days. 

Here's what I've eaten each day:

Monday

Breakfast: Oatmeal made with almond milk, almond butter and frozen blueberries stirred in

Lunch: Brown rice with leftover rotisserie chicken, bell peppers, and avocado

Snack: Clean energy bites (almond butter, flaxseed, honey, and oatmeal mixed and turned into balls)

Dinner: Brown rice with avocado and crumbled turkey meatballs

Tuesday

Breakfast: Smoothie with kale, flaxseed, frozen blueberries, almond butter, banana, and almond milk

Lunch: Egg and avocado salad with bell peppers, Triscuit thin crisps 

Dinner: Oatmeal made with almond milk, with peanut butter, honey and  stirred in (not a normal dinner, I realize - but my throat hurt like the devil and I thought something warm might help—it did!)

Wednesday

Breakfast: Scrambled eggs with kale, mushrooms, garlic, parmesan; cooked in olive oil

Lunch: Smoothie with frozen blueberries, almond butter, banana, and cinnamon (this time I decided to try something cold to ease my throat pain)

Dinner: Tilapia in whole wheat tortillas with avocado and salsa, veggies on the side 

Snack: Smoothie with banana, almond butter, cocoa powder, almond milk, and a bit of honey (this was supposed to be like ice cream, but I didn't have frozen bananas so had to use ice, and I couldn't get the consistency right - still got a pretty sore throat; I don't think I will normally have two smoothies in one day)

Overall, I have not felt deprived at all. Now granted, my appetite has not been huge because of being sick, but maybe that was a blessing, as the sugar withdrawal hasn't been that bad.

I weighed in Monday morning, and then I weighed myself again this morning, two days later. I've lost 3.5 pounds! I realize weight can fluctuate, and I don't plan to weigh myself that often, but I was just curious if it had impacted my weight yet. I'm excited to see what happens when I can actually start doing the workouts!

Our First Year of CBS

CBS stands for Community Bible Study, and this is the first year that I've been able to be part of one of the classes in Columbia. I'm not sure how the class we go to compares to other classes, but there are more than 300 ladies who gather to study the Bible each Thursday, and more than 100 children who go to various classes.

This year we studied Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon, and Mark. It was an amazing year of studying the Word, and I learned so much - from the study guide itself as well as from the other ladies who were in my group.

The basic set-up is that you go to your core group (about 10-15 ladies) for the first hour, and then there is a teaching time for the second hour, which everyone attends. You have homework to do during the week. The kids go to their own classes, and even in the class Cohen was in, they teach them the Word and sing songs.

Both of the boys have loved going. Stephen talked about it all week long, mostly because he was in love with his teacher, Ms. Colleen. Cohen always went right to Ms. Brenda, his teacher, even during phases when he was unhappy being left at other nursery situations.

Earlier this week I had the boys each make a picture to give to their teachers to thank them on the last day.

Cohen held on to his picture for Mrs. Brenda the whole way there this morning, and for the first time, said something that sounded like "Ba-da!", which I'm pretty sure was his way of saying Brenda. He was so excited to give it to her, and he was SO excited at how excited she was to get it from him (which you can tell from his face). She is a true gem, and I know he will miss seeing her each week!

Although you can't tell from the picture below, Stephen adored his teacher, Ms. Colleen. He would talk about her like she was the queen of the world. He always loved going to see her and would often want to bring something to show her, excited to hear her response. What was most amazing, though, was her ability to teach the kids. Stephen would be able to recount the Bible story each week, even less familiar stories that we had learned at him. During the week I would hear him singing a song that I didn't know, and he would always say that he learned it at CBS. A few weeks ago at the breakfast table, he started reciting the Pledge of Allegiance - which we have never gone over - and then I realized that they do it each week there!

Colleen gave me a sweet little note about Stephen that was super encouraging, especially in light of some behavior issues we've been having with him at home. 

All in all, it was a great year - we will be so excited to go back in August.

Two Years: Cohen

This morning around 9 a.m., our Coco Bean turned two years old. He knows exactly how old he is, and will hold up both his pointer fingers and say "Doo" when you ask him. 

I didn't know how else to sum up this year except to share a picture of him from each month since he was born. This will probably be the last year I do this - 36 pictures next year seems a bit excessive. 

Happy Birthday, Cohen!